Probably the end

Update There have been many changes in my life over the past 9 months, the main one being that the café, whose clients were a source of inspiration for much of my writing, is no more! Unfortunately economic conditions caused us to close down. Another major change in my life is that I am now single so it is quite likely that my next few posts will be influenced by that fact. Two things remain stable however, my insomnia and my sense of humour, the former I've learnt to live with and the latter might at times go into hiding, but always seems to emerge triumphantly, no matter how dire the circumstances! Greg

Facebook Bonks Me On The Head

Facebook is a wonderful way to connect with old friends right?
Personally I'm an avid user and love the way it enables me to get in touch from people from way back when.
Anyway to get to the point, one night (actually early morning) I was busy browsing through some articles when I read one that mentioned how many old loves were being re-united via Facebook. This got me thinking about some my old flames, so I did a search and found my old sweetheart "B" (we were an item in the early eighties!) I did the usual friend request and then promptly forgot about it. A few days later I noticed she'd accepted my request and sent me the usual mail about herself and what she was up to.
I went to her profile to do what we all do…which is to look for photos, but all she had posted were a few irrelevant shots of Cape Town and a picture of a turtle, even her profile picture was a cartoon of some sort (Totally normal of course, lots of people don't put photos of themselves on Facebook.)
I replied to the mail and mentioned that I now lived in Greece, three minutes later I got another mail telling me that she was coming on holiday to Greece and that we should meet up, so I gave her my phone number and told her to call when she arrived.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, "B" calls and says she is in Athens, so we obviously arrange to get together and decide to meet at a little coffee shop in downtown Athens; where we use to have breakfast when we were on holiday here one year (Of course it's a hamburger place now, but it was the thought that counted.)
On the appointed day I made my way to the above-mentioned "Coffee shop", I entered the shop looked around and then, my heart lurched...there she was, sitting at "our" table. (I swear I heard violins playing and waves gently crashing on the shore under a moonlit sky) My first thought was, "I don't believe it, she looks exactly the same as when I left her 27 years ago".
The second thought that popped into my head was, "Did she marry a plastic surgeon and will he give me a discount?"
I approached the table slowly, after sniffing my underarms to ensure that my deodorant was still active. I must admit I was trembling and my heart was racing...
"Hi" I said in a husky voice.
She looked up and said...., "Hi you must be Uncle Greg, mom's told me all about you!!" (Sound of glass shattering, violin strings breaking and the sea disappearing down a big drain)
I couldn't believe it! Her daughter was the split image of the girl I knew!
"So where's your moth....," I started to ask, only to be interrupted by a screech, "Greeeeeegyyyyyy!!!!!"…
I turned around to see this massive apparition with peroxide blonde hair wearing what only can be described as a mumu, made from material usually seen on curtains, lumbering towards me.
"I'd have recognized you ANYWHERE!" she bellowed, in a voice that probably curdled all the milk in neighbourhood.
I thought... "Who is this woman? It couldn't possibly be...,” and yet it was, "B", larger than life and that's no exaggeration.
"I know, I know! I've put on a little weight since you last saw me, it's middle age, I hardly eat a thing” she explained.
Shell shocked and speechless I sat at the table while she talked non-stop, not giving me a chance to get a word in edgewise, I sat there scrunching my eyes trying to see at least a trace of the person I once knew, but to no avail. Anyway after about twenty minutes of this monologue, she finally took a break to inquire if we were going to nibble on something while we chatted as she hadn't eaten since breakfast.
“Sure,” I said, and called the waiter over.
"Three double cheese burgers, a large order of fries with cheese, bacon and mayo and a large chocolate milkshake please”, she told the waiter and then turned to me and her daughter and asked, "What are you guys having...?"
Needless to say I choked on my coffee...
"Hmm I'm not really hungry", I replied, "I'll just have another coffee."
The daughter excused herself to go shopping, leaving me there with her mom (squint, squint, scrunch, scrunch, peer from the corner of my eye) shoving food into her mouth and still talking incessantly between bites.
I couldn't believe how much she had changed, not only in appearance but in personality too, there was nothing left of the girl I once knew. I eventually told her a bit of my life, naturally stressing the fact that I was in a wonderful relationship (she'd already dropped some hints about being divorced and that her daughter had her own room at the hotel). At some point in the conversation she turned to me and said, "Greg, may I be very open and tell you something? Please don't be offended or get upset, but I'm only telling you this because I have known you for so long"
I gulped and thought, "Oh oh, no more subtle hints, here it comes...”
"Have you ever thought of seeing a psychologist?" she continued, "You have a very bad tic, that squinting and scrunching of your eyes is very disconcerting and I'm sure a psychologist can help you cure it!"
That did it! I collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically, tears rolling down my face. It took me a good ten minutes to recover and when I did I found her looking at me with a pitying expression on her face. I knew she was convinced I was a bit weird, which I admit suited me fine.
We said goodbye and promised to stay in touch and I headed out of there as quickly as I could, vowing to never make the same mistake again!
I guess sometimes it's better to let memories just stay memories…

The Happy Camper

A couple of months ago, the "Love of My Life" (LOML) informed me that this year we were going "camping" for our summer holiday.
The thought sent me on a trip down memory lane, reminding me of my Boy Scout days; singing songs around the camp fire, being at one with nature, and all those other boyhood experiences...
So I said, "Sure, that sounds great!"
Of course as time progressed, the not so pleasant memories came to mind…the smell of musty canvas tents, squashing into a sleeping bag which always made me feel like an Egyptian mummy, hard floors, insects and various other yukky things, but I figured you have to try everything at least once and how bad could it possibly be? (Anyway there were always hotels nearby if things got too hairy...)
I left the organizing to the LOML who was an experienced camper, having gone camping twice before, and who I rightly assumed knew what she was doing.
A week before the big departure I noticed a pile growing in the centre of the lounge and was informed that these were our camping things, the pile kept on growing and growing. After eying this enormous pile I timidly asked if we really needed all this stuff and whether I would need to hire a trailer to take it with us. (As a Boy Scout, I remember everything we needed fitted into a backpack and this was rapidly looking like a case of everything but the kitchen sink!).
After being told that these were absolute necessities, I conceded to her superior experience.
The big day arrived and we somehow managed to pack this mass, including the dog, into my small Saxo and off we went.
Fast forward five hours later when we finally arrived at the campsite…
After driving around for about 10 minutes, LOML's experienced eye picked "the spot", so of course I parked and we started unpacking.
Naturally the first thing you do when you go camping is pitch your tent, so LOML said to me, "Go get the tent while I clear the area of branches and stones."
"Sure" I replied, and went to the pile and pulled out the huge bag. (I knew we had a four man tent) and took it over to her.
"Why did you bring me my bag?" she asked looking puzzled, "We'll set up the tent first and then organize our clothes."
"But this is the tent, isn't it? I asked, (I mean there weren't any other big bags anywhere!)
"No dummy!" she replied, "THIS is the tent," pulling out a little package the size of a big handbag.
"Great!" I replied, "and where is my tent?"
"No," she said, in her ‘oh my god I'm talking to a moron’ voice, "this IS the four man tent!"
I was amazed. Isn't technology wonderful?
This tiny package (with the help of an instruction manual that made War and Peace look like light reading) actually became a huge four man tent...I was amazed!
Once the tent was set up (it had a built in groundsheet too! Wow!) I hauled out the sleeping bags and started laying them out.
Once again the dreaded voice said, "And now exactly what do you think you are doing?"
"Laying out the beds of course!" I replied.
"Without the mattress?" she asked, shaking her head in amazement muttering something about incompetent men.
"Mattress… What mattress?
I was pretty damned sure that I'd have noticed a mattress in the pile, considering they are pretty hard to miss.
Sure enough, out popped another little package from the huge pile.
"This mattress," she said, "pump it up while I fix the washing line and kitchen stuff"(An air mattress...I should have guessed, but then again I'd just driven for five hours straight after work and hadn't slept for 28 hours...plus I'm blond!)
"Okey Dokey" I said, thinking about the mission involved in inflating a queen sized mattress, but figured that all this was a part of the camping experience so I took a deep breath and started blowing...
"Screeeeeeeeech!!!...What are you doing now?" LOML's voice exploded in my ear, as I focused on the blue dots hovering in front of my eyes caused by the lack of oxygen after blowing into the mattress for 10 minutes. (Incidentally it was still as flat as a pancake with no indication of inflating.)
"Trying to inflate the effing mattress!!!" I replied, "What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Why aren't you using this?" she asks, handing me a match box sized goody with a hose and cable attached.
"Here plug this into the cigarette lighter" she says, handing me the cord, I do so and hear a hum and turn to see the mattress miraculously inflating with the tiny pump doing all the work!
Have I mentioned how wonderful technology is?

Needless to say the pile was transformed into a very comfy home away from home, complete with tiny kitchen and lounge area. (Ok, ok two chairs and a table, let's not get picky!)
Of course I apologized profusely for ever doubting the necessity of the huge pile of things, both in words and in actions, making full use of the wonderful inflatable mattress! ( I must confess that sex in a campsite with your neighbours three meters away from you, separated by some thin super insulated light weight nylon sheeting was indeed a novel experience, but that warrants a whole new article to itself at some later date.)

I quickly got into the rhythm of camping and I am now a convert and look forward to my next camping trip, which thanks to modern technology is no longer as scary as I once imagined.
I must admit however that I do occasionally miss the way it was done in the ‘good old days’ a thought that swiftly vanishes however… when I recall the ghastly smell of musty canvas tents, hard floors, insects.........

Finikounda

I'm off for some sun, sea and relaxation. I'll be back after the 17/9/2009 with more ramblings

You're A What????

I've noticed a really strange trend over the last couple of years and it's the phenomenon I call "pseudo lesbianism"
Greek girls tend to be rather affectionate with each other so I was never phased when I'd see a couple of school girls walking together holding hands, or groups of girls having coffee together giving each other an occasional hug. It's normal right?..Girl's nights out where you can talk about girl things.
One day I'm sitting at my usual place at the bar having served yet another group of such girls, when one of them comes up to me and says, "Hi I'm Daisy and I'm a lesbian!" blink blink blink
I mean what do you say to that?.. "Hi I'm Greg so I guess a f*ck is out the question????" I didn't of course, and I smiled and said, "Oh...??.. "uncomfortable silence... "That's nice."
"You don't mind do you?" she asks, Mind?? I really couldn't give a shit so I said, "Dearie I make coffee and serve it to you, what you do in bed it entirely your own business!"
Satisfied with that she went of to her girlfriends, murmured something, and in a matter of seconds they'd paired off and started snogging like crazy.
After about 5 minutes of this I called her over and said, "Listen sweety, I don't care whether you're gay, straight or into big fluffy toys, this is NOT an hotel and those couches are NOT beds. No face licking and semi sex in the shop and this applies to all couples whether they be gay or straight" (Now to all the guys reading this and thinking to themselves ..."What a woose!", I know!!!!.... another male fantasy bites the dust, but believe me guys, there is NOTHING erotic about a couple of 5 foot, crew cut "girls" built like rugby players, sucking face!)
Subdued she went back to her friends, murmured something again, once again in a matter of seconds they had separated and were merrily drinking their coffee and chatting as if nothing had happened. (I thought I was in the "Twilight Zone!)
Two weeks later a familiar face walks into the shop, I have a problem putting names to faces but I knew she'd been here before so I greeted her with a smile, she informed me that she was meeting someone, so I left her at her table and told her to call me when her friend had arrived. Sure enough a few minutes later a young guy arrives and sits at her table, I take them their coffees and leave them, a couple of hours later I see that this was obviously a first date that was going VERY VERY well, ( I kept ducking to avoid the hearts floating around) then it came to me, (picture light bulb exploding) this was Daisy...... the LESBIAN!!!!!!
Gone were the baggy jeans and baseball cap, she was all dolled up in a skirt and wearing MAKEUP!!
I couldn't resist and waited patiently for an opening, at some point the boyfriend disappears to buy cigarettes and I saunter over to her and ask innocently, "Aren't you Daisy the lesbian??" She informed me that now that she's found a boyfriend she was no longer a lesbian and please not to mention anything in front of the guy because she really, really likes him. I told her not to sweat that it was really none of my business so she relaxed, unfortunately the boyfriend came back at that stage and cut my conversation short.
Now I am and have always been totally open minded, but this new trend has nothing to do with exploring your sexuality, something which I would fully understand and accept.
It seems to operate on the same principle that something like smoking did back in the old days. It was "in" to smoke and you smoked because your friends smoked, today it seems to be "I'm cool I'm a lesbian" In fact over the past two years I've met so many "lesbians" that I think that if I was an 18 year old single guy, I'd seriously be considering cross-dressing in the hope of ever getting laid.
Strangely enough, the guys don't have a similar trend, with the exception of the "emo" movement which really did not catch on that much in Greece.
Oops!... I seem to be doing this middle age parent thing (scary!!!) so before I really hit rock bottom and totally ruin my image I once again bid you all a goodnight!!

( You of course know that I really don't go to sleep after writing this blog but that's besides the point......!!!!)

Has anyone found any loose screws lately??

One of the really fun things about having a coffeeshop is the variety of people you meet and amongst them of course are the few characters that inspire you to write about them.
Let me introduce you to a few of them and you'll see what I mean.
The first is a "lady" in her thirties who has been coming to the shop for about six years and is a regular customer, we call her "Cuckoo"and you'll soon understand why.
First a brief description..... Imagine a slender lady with a red hair, cut in a pixie style who walks like a duck..the front of her hairdo is always immaculately styled but for some reason she never gets round to the back of her head, so her hair there is always flat. She always wears bright red lipstick and I have yet to see her without it not having smeared on her teeth (we're talking about six years now) and as if all that isn't bad enough she talks exactly like Donald Duck (this is an important detail so keep it in mind!)
When I first met her, I was my usual friendly self and after she'd been in a few times I asked her her name so that I could do the PR bit, ..then she started talking and talking and talking and talking (remember Donald Duck)...the woman would not shut up... at some point I tore myself away, saved by some new customers who needed serving, I got their orders, made their coffees and happened to glance over at dear "Cuckoo's" table.....she was STILL talking not phased in the slightest by my absence. After this happened on several other occasions I quickly learnt not to say much, just take her order and leave.
She also had this peculiar habit of not paying the full amount for her coffee, she would always give exactly two cents less. We ignored it the first few times and then politely informed her that coffee costs three euros and NOT two euros ninety eight. Her answer was that due to the fact that she did not drink milk in her coffee it was only fair that she deduct the value of the milk from the final price.........(jaw hits the floor as I stare at her in amazement, speechless)When I recovered I informed her that it didn't exactly work that way and that we charge for the coffee only,milk and sugar were free! She was happy with that.(She now drinks her coffee EXTRA sweet with LOTS of milk but she does pay the full price!)
Over the years she has basically behaved herself, once we figured out that it was a huge mistake to make any kind of small talk with her.
Of course she is still her nutty self, just last week she came in and asked me if I minded if she had a cup of coffee and payed for it the next time she came in, as she had left her purse at home. I naturally told her not to worry and that the coffee was on the house. (This then progressed into another endless monologue but being an expert at dealing with the situation at this stage I just let her talk and carried on reading my book.) All of a sudden she taps me on the shoulder and asks if I mind if she has one of my cigarettes, I tell her to go right ahead and what do I see? She whips out this huge cigarette case and promptly fills it leaving one in the packet. She then puts the cigarette case in her bag, takes the last cigarette from the packet, lights up, pockets my lighter and leaves....I'm left gaping like a fish! (Remember this is after I've already treated her the coffee)
Now I guess I could make a fuss but the truth is apart from the fact that the woman is kinda nuts, she has been a regular customer for years and in a funny sort of way I am rather fond of her.(Of course I now hide my cigarettes the minute I see her approaching!)
In the next episode you 'll meet the "oooooof family" but now I think it's time for bed
So on that nutty note I bid you all goodnight!

Is that a NAIL through your eyebrow????

I'm constantly amazed by the number of piercings kids nowadays have EVERYWHERE!
I remember back in the 80's when I took the big step and pierced my ear...Boy was that extreme!!! Of course you had to take care not to pierce the "wrong" ear because if you had an earring in the right ear you were....gasp...G-A-Y! Now I was a pretty radical kinda guy so after the first earring I did the then unheard of thing and had a SECOND hole pierced, thus causing chaos everywhere I went with people staring in amazement.
Fast forward a few years later to the 90's, pierced ears are now a dime a dozen and no-one even blinks at the sight anymore, but a new trend is appearing amongst the girls...pierced belly buttons..ouch right? That's what I thought until one fine day when a girl I had my eye on told me she was planning on piercing her naval, not one to miss an opening like that I immediately informed her that quite "coincidentally" I was thinking of having mine done too and offered to go with her and so I acquired a third hole ...on my belly button. The good thing is that I also got the girl.
Now my parents weren't quite so open minded about the whole guys and earrings thing so going to visit them involved removing the rings/studs from my ears and replacing them afterward so you can imagine the ordeal I was about to suffer one fine summer when I decided to go and stay with them at our village house in the Peloponnese.....it was S-U-M-M-E-R so who goes around wearing a shirt in 40 degree weather??? Well, I did!
It so happened that we had some friends staying over and with them their 5 year old son. One fine day I took them all to the beach whipped off my shirt and took the kid for a swim..you know the whole "horsey" game that amuses them so much. Naturally as a normal five year old he was insatiably curious about everything and it wasn't long before he spotted my belly ring...oops again right?
"Why jougotta eahwing in jor bewwy bottom Unca Gweg?" he asked, with big eyes staring in amazement. Luckily at that moment his mommy called him and I dove into the sea and removed the incriminating evidence.
I came out the water just in time to catch the tail end of the conversation
"...earrings go into ears Tommy, that is why they are called ear (pointing at her ear) rings (pointing to her wedding band)."
"But Unca Gweg got one in his bewwy bottom, I thaw it"
"Ha ha ha. the imagination kids have, how on earth did he come up with something like that? Want an ice-cream Tommy?"
Luckily five year olds have incredibly short attention spans and nothing was ever heard about the mysterious eawing in my bewwy bottom again.
Fast forward to about 2002, I was teaching a class at a local gym when i noticed my first "nose piercing" I admit I stared because I'd never thought anyone would do anything like that and to top it all this dear girl informed me that she wanted to have her eyebrow pierced! I shuddered at the idea and thought to myself, "Who on earth will find something like that attractive?"(Don't worry this time I did NOT follow suit!)
Today I see so many piercing and they still amaze me, eyebrows upper lips,lower lips, noses, tongues ( I still go ouch with the idea of this one) and to crown it all, genital and nipple piercings!!Ouch ouch ouch ouch!!!!!
Do you remember those National Geographic documentaries where they showed all those African tribes with corks in their lower lips and ears?
Well they sure are trendy now aren't they?
I must admit that I am basically earring-less in 2009, it's a case of being there, done that, plus the fact that I kept losing those damn earrings but I still have the holes to prove it and tell stories about my time as a rebel.
On that note I wish you all a good night.